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Friday, November 04, 2005
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Monday, October 03, 2005
Saturday, August 20, 2005
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| Your Hawaiian Name is: |
Kiana Kaili |
| Your Outrageous Name Is |
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My life is rated R.
What is your life rated?
| You Know You Drink Too Much When... |
| Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof? You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Hotties. You have a "happy hour" at home When you are sober, people ask you what's wrong? You spend all night making a board game called Alcohol Land Although you drove home the other night you can't remember how you got home or where you parked your car "Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol." Your favorite drink is ethanol. "Why does everybody think I have a prinking droblem?! - I don't have a prinking droblem!" "I don't have a drinking prob..pleb..prub.. *hic* Pash me another, tarbender." You can spend a whole night holding up walls to prevent their (your) collapse. You instinctively know where the alcohol is in a store you've never been in before Clubs raise their drink prices because you haven't attended in a while You think beer and ramen make a good breakfast You frequently urinate outdoors. When you first wake up and you're afraid you're gonna die and a half-hour later you're afraid you won't. You fall asleep taking a dump. You believe that spilling a beer is alcohol abuse. You go to the john to hurl, but you take your beer with you. You find it's easier to study drunk. You're on a first name basis at the detoxification center. Beer ads make sense. You wake up to the sound of your dog drinking out of the toilet and you're so dry that it sounds mighty thirst quenching. You wake the next morning and start drinking a few of the half empties left sitting around the room. The space on your driver's license that tells your eye color reads "bloodshot". You fall down a flight of steps and DON'T spill a drop of your beer. You mix your cocktails by the litre. You grow a beard because it stops beer that's running down your chin. You put off urinating in hopes of reaching that near orgasmic Zen-like piss. When the bottle says 20 standard drinks but you only get 5. You spell Alcohol with a capital letter out of respect You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusettes. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not! Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem! "Norm!" is what they say when you enter the bar. You can focus better with one eye closed The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar You fall off the floor. You discover in the morning that liquid cleaning supplies have mysteriously disappeared. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! Beer: it's not just for breakfast anymore. The glass keeps missing your mouth. Vampires get woozy after bitting you. At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..." Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm. Every night you're beginning to find your roomate's cat more and more attractive. If you're on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories. "Take me drunk, I'm home!" You wake up naked lying in the corner of a bus depot. You drink to get over a hangover. You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends who drink too much. |
| You Know You're From Cincinnati When... |
| Your idea of a three-way is chilli over spaghetti topped with cheddar You know what goetta is - and you've eaten it You hate Cleveland, but you don't know why, and you've never been there You think Pete Rose and Marge Schott were railroaded You say "Please?" instead of "Excuse me?" You think Northern Kentucky is part of Ohio You've been to California, Wyoming, Coney Island, and Over-the-Rhine in one day There are less than 100 murders a year, and you still think you're in Detroit You think Dayton is a Third World country What groundhog? It's the St. Patrick's Day parade leprechaun that forecasts how much longer winter will last. Losing football teams draw more fans than winning baseball teams. Indiana is about 20 miles away, but it takes about four hours to get there. It's too cold in the winter, and too hot and humid in the summer, to ever stay outside for very long. You drive to Columbus or Louisville to avoid the prices at the Cincinnati airport. City council members hold debates on whether or not they should debate in the first place. Tourists still flock downtown to catch a glimpse of cast members from "WKRP," even though the show hasn't aired on network television since 1984, and the show was filmed in LA anyway. You ask lifetime residents where the President Taft house is, but they don't know either. If you do something -- anything -- in public long enough, sooner or later it will be banned. Your low-fat diet is never low enough to exclude Graeter's ice cream. You get through winter listening to Marty and Joe's broadcasts from the grapefruit leagues. Big Red Smokies are a ballpark treat, not cause to dial 9-1-1. If necessary, the city could easily be sliced into two new cities: East and West, and it would take 20 years for anyone to notice something happened. Chocolate and cinnamon, not peppers and beans, are in your chili. You can drive 30 minutes in any direction to hear a different accent than your own. You can accurately judge people's social status by which Kroger's store they frequent. You can go to any church festival in any neighborhood on any weekend and see at least five people you either work with, went to school with, or dated. Even the slightest mention of former baseball commissioner A. Bartlett Giamatti makes your blood boil and your ears steam. If the temperature hits 45 degrees, and the sun comes out in any month between November and April, people walk around downtown wearing shades and no jackets. The top stories on the local 6 o'clock evening news look suspiciously like the articles you read in the newspaper that very morning -- and even use the same quotes. Any carbonated beverage is a "coke." Your favorite convenient store sounds like a labor union. You can't hear the words "Mike Brown" without getting angry. You honestly believe that Pete Rose should be in the Baseball Hall Fame. You have more stadiums, coliseums, and arenas than you know what to do with. It doesn't seem weird to you that everyone has an Uncle Al. Your favorite Coney Island isn't in New York. You like Nick Clooney better than George Clooney. You know how Jerry Springer got his start. You know what a pony keg is. You have friends and neighbors with names like Machenheimer, Guckenberger, Schlottman, Schoenling, and Schweitering. You know that cars (like eggs) are cheaper in the country. An all-boys or all-girls school doesn't seem that odd to you You think a mixed marriage is when an East Sider marries a West Sider. You know the difference between Hudy and "Who Dey." You know what cream ale is, and you think that cream soda should be bright red. You think Kentucky is only slightly more civilized than Afghanistan. You know in which state the Greater Cincinnati Airport is located. You actually understand the word, "CRAVE" and white castle burgers. You can almost name the seven "hills" minus one or two. You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Cincinnati. |
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